cAST OF THE pIRATES pODCAST
In order of appearance, more or less
“Calico” Jack Morgan
The Adventure Galley’s Main Helmsman. Fierce in appearance and demeanor.
“That’ll be enough brawlin’ from the both of ye! Yonder comes the Captain, and with him, his faithful companion, ye dread pirate Executive Assistant Mary. You two bilge rats had better scatter like sand fleas and look just as busy.”
Savage Pirate and Ship’s Weather Forecaster. Assistant Manager to Grace O’Malley.
“Oh, don’t be so grumpy. You wanna be a snot about something, try the fact that as pirates, we’ve been reduced to stealing office supplies. It’s been so long since we’ve engaged in a bona fide act of depredation on the high seas that the next merchant ship we do spot, we’re gonna need in-service training.”
Samuel “Hawkeye” Burgess
The most classically piratical of the entire Adventure Galley gang. He’s got pretty much the whole get-up: Black eye patch, scars in places other pirates don’t even have places. A quick temper and even quicker cutlass.
“To steal everything we can hold up, an’ to prong everything we can hold down, an’ in the meantime drinkin’ rum and gin by the hogshead—I thinks that about sums up my job description, don’t it?”
Captain William Kidd
Courageous leader of the Adventure Galley’s band of brigands, handpicked by the filthy-rich backers of a clever plan to use pirates to catch pirates and seize their loot. A skilled swordsman and able navigator, but with people skills as well.
“As captain of this ship, I have the power of life and death over this band of bilge rats, and if they don’t like being part of the long-range goals of this company, they can take their chances working for the Japanese. But so help me, if I sniff the reek of any push-back, I’ll have the common lot of them keel-hauled and put ashore at the next island we come to that is amply populated with leeches and cannibals.”
The Dread Pirate Executive Assistant Mary
Executive Assistant to Captain Kidd, the administrative glue that holds the ship together. And boy does the Adventure Galley need that!
“Mission”? We’re pirates; I didn’t know pirates went on “missions.” Well, in that case, we’re going to have to come up with a mission statement; we should look into contracting a consultant for that.”
The Ship’s Monkey and Gun Captain. A bit of a rascal, this one. Never take your eyes off her for moment.
“Obviously, there’s a perceptual misapprehension stemming from an invalid a priori premise!”
Among the fiercest pirates of the Adventure Galley. An excellent sword fighter—though constantly bumping her head on the glass ceiling. Mentor to Angelina Donegal.
“You so much as fantasize with your right palm of manhandling me over the fantail an’ you’ll have a lot less produce to fondle in your Fruit-of-the-Looms.”
The Adventure Galley’s Gunnery Officer. Admired among pirates industry-wide for his depredations.
“Suppose we do catch another pirate and shake ‘em down for the lunch money they stole; we might bump into the Royal Navy, say, rounding the Cape, and what’re we gonna say if they inspect our log and search our bilges? ‘No, man, we didn’t steal this stuff; not exactly, anyway; no, we’re good pirates; we stole it from other pirates.’ They’ll laugh themselves silly, offload the loot, send this toredo-ridden splinter bucket to the sea bottom and feed us to the sharks in the process.”
The Ship’s Physician, a graduate of Heidelberg University
“Stress from work? What you need is a vacation. Well, that was easy. That’ll be two hundred pounds; how will you be paying for this? I prefer cash. Small bills. What sort of insurance do you have? This isn’t workers’ comp, is it? I don’t take those cases. No money in ‘em. The best cure for insomnia is to get a little sleep.”
The Last Dodo
Ship’s Interpreter and Medical Transcriptionist. The last of his kind.
“I like to think of myself as ‘The Other White Meat.’ Since you’re gonna miss the chance to feast on me, the best thing for you to do is savor your last words. Like me, you’re quite flightless right now, but swift will be the flight of fortune on you.”
A Fabulous Sea Creature in pretty much every sense of the word.
“Is there any intelligent life on your ship? So, to summarize, you’re engaged in a criminal act which has nearly gotten you killed but you don’t want to go along with Captain Kidd’s plan that might get you out of it because you think it’s dangerous and immoral. You pirates are a beguiling mob: You have in the scrap of your anarchy the tinder of democracy, and in your chase for thievery you set your foresails for horizons yet unimagined.”
Nick “The Butcher” Townsend
Captain of the Invidious Squid. More bloodthirsty than most pirate captains.
“I been compliant with my antidepressants, so I’m feelin’ pretty good right now. And as I don’t have enough posse aboard the Squid to put a prize crew on the Adventure Galley, how ‘bout I don’t cut everybody’s throats, or turn you over to the Somalians? How ‘bout me an’ my boys become top-tier management around here, an’ you blowflies keep your jobs?—essentially.”
Petty Officer Goodfellow
Somewhat of a sidekick to Captain Townsend. A likeable sort of guy—you know, despite all the throat-cutting.
“In these times of fluctuating economic realities, the modern pirate my find the ever-changing workplace provokes more questions than answers, and that’s understandable.”
A pirate of the Invidious Squid. Likes to think of himself as a protagonist; it’s how he runs his life. Known far and wide for his exciting facial hair--
“I myself am known for accurately gauging ahead-of-curve, cutting-edge trends—also for my savory Alfredo sauce.”
--and his savory Alfredo sauce.
Executive Officer of the Invidious Squid. Ambitious and devious, feeling that with enough ambition and deviousness, he’ll someday become Captain Crunch.
“You miniaturized Beanie Baby! I’ll fix your punk ass! If by your backhanded, passive-aggressively veiled commentary, vis-à-vis . . . (makes “air bunnies”) ‘Anything good?’ as a matter of fact I did take umbrage at that. I’ll have you know that what I’m writing is more than ‘good’; it’s excellent in fact; it’s a day-by-sordid-day intimate chronicle of this voyage, penned down in exquisite detail, naming names, pulling no punches, and taking no prisoners, and when we get back to England, everyone’s going to want to read it. But there’s also a special section, written in code, in which I reveal my innermost thoughts.”